40 Is the New 90
– A Middle-aged Fairy Tale –
Check out Dan’s latest cartoons:
“Dad, you ordered me fish?!? Are you crazy? I was a pescatarian LAST WEEK! This week, I’m on a cleanse!”
“If you look at the amount of texting time on your cell phone statement, it seems you’re 14 years older than you were 30 days ago.”
“Dad, I know it’s a bummer I caused this much trouble but what would you do if your Instagram post only got 4 likes?”
“Lost 2 pounds?!? This anorexia just might kill me.”
“Let’s get radical.”
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
“Get your hand out of there. I only got enough popcorn for me.”
A middle aged poker game at 9:15pm.
“I don’t think those testosterone treatments are working out the way you expected.”
“When do the Jazzercise classes start?”
Out of Luck
“Mom, he’s great. Good looking, really sweet. He even cooks! And dances! Yeah, I know. He must be gay.”
“Is this enough for a down payment?”
“Of course these pants fit. I’ve been wearing size 6 for decades.”
“Look, kids, I know your dad’s new 25yo girlfriend is super fun but we need to go home, eat brussel sprouts and do your homework.”
“Let’s get together. But this week, I got my kids. Next week, you’ve got your kids. Then I’m travelling. Then you’ve got work. Then the charity thing. Wait, I got it! November, 2016, is wide open!!!”
“Well, ummm, there is some resemblance but I wouldn’t say that you look EXACTLY like your online dating profile picture.”
“Hey dude, I think I found your car’s problem. Hand me the crescent wrench.”
“It was a lovely first date but, no, I’m not kissing you. I haven’t shaved my legs.”
Something keeps coming between our romantic dinners for two.
Always use sunblock.
“What d’ya mean I’m a lightweight? I’ve had almost one and a half beers!”
Sleep on the Plane
“No Ambien for me, Stewardess. I’ll just watch my 10th straight in-flight episode of Two And A Half Men.”
“Yeah, baby, of course I’m giving you a big tip. This is the best haircut I’ve ever had.”
“Curfew?!? Dad, please, I’m a SOPHOMORE! Like you ever did anything so bad when you were 16 that you needed a curfew!!!”
“Hey dude, your printer fer shur works. You just have to, like, turn your computer on.”
My Aching Back
“No, Doctor, I didn’t get bent over like this by moving furniture. Actually, I just opened a can of Pepsi.”
“Sorry, Tex, yer gonna need two horses. Or a saddle extender.”
“That chick was crazy – I’m clearly not bald. My head just needed better light.”
“That’s not a toupee. Those are my shoulders.”
“Hold the phone a little further away. I can almost see who’s calling.”
Good news: I hit a triple in my old man’s softball league. Bad news: Do you realize how exhausting it is to run all the way to third base?
“Goddamn remote control doesn’t work again. My kids must’ve screwed it up.”
“Before I had an Iphone and an Imac and an Ipad, it was a lot easier to order a pizza.”
For some reason, I keep thinking of the fact that 90% of an iceberg is hidden underwater.
I still watch the draft. I just don’t think I enjoy it the same way I used to.
I don’t know why people keep saying diet soda is bad for you. I’ve never had a problem with it.
Last night at a friend’s house. Thank God I cut myself off at one too many.
Partyin’ With the 30 Year Olds
Partying with the 30 year olds was a lot more fun when I was 30.
I decided to start working out again. I think it’s going well.
I’m so unbelievably busy, I don’t have the time for anything right now. Not even my kids.
Time for a Suntan
The weather has been so nice in LA, I decided to work on my tan.
My 45th Birthday
I recall being a little happier on my 21st.
Dan Indante is a bitter, vindictive attorney most famous for writing the seminal relationship book The Complete A**hole’s Guide To Handling Chicks, quite possibly the most offensive work in the history of American literature. Now, still lacking any sense of maturity but beholden to two kids and a wife, 40-plus-year-old, fat, balding, unrepentant Dan pretends to be a model parent during PTA meetings and Little League games while secretly writing hateful screeds (like this book) which rage against the banality of modern parenting. Dan lives and works in Beverly Hills until the creditors from his various real estate projects catch up to him.